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IN SHORT: All right, I admit it. Cranky laughed.

From the creators of Dumb and Dumber . . .

If that's enough to make you wet your pants, nothing I say will sway you either way regarding the latest from the Farrelly Brothers, There's Something About Mary. If you've been reading Cranky long enough, you know that almost nothing on this planet could give him enough of a buzz to voluntarily sit through something made by guys who could gross out (or perhaps out gross) Jim Carrey, and are proud of it. Except, perhaps, a fistful of restricted medication, which I get by prescription.

Half a fistful later, Cranky finds himself sitting in the theater. He is here, 'cuz Cameron Diaz is onscreen. That's quite enough for your feeble minded reporter.

Cranky gotta get a life....

As if to prove that the songwriting genes lie on the other side of the family, Cranky hereby sets this review to the tune of "Roadrunner," an old song by Jonathan Richman that's close enough to a stream of consciousness ramble that I can get away with this. Richman pops up a couple of times in the flick to sing between scenes in what is called a Greek Chorus. You may wish to move to Greece until it's over . . .

ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE SIX
Ben Stiller Ben Stiller
He's got pretty famous parents
He's a pretty funny actor
When he wants to be

He's in love with Cameron Diaz
Once upon a time in high school
caught his wanger in the zipper
Hey, c'est la vie
She moved to Florida

All right.
Ben hires Matt Dillon
about thirteen years later
A private dick to find Ms. Diaz
he still loves her and he wants her back

But Matty sees her take her bra off
and he likes what he sees, yeah
I would describe it all in detail
but this review is PG
unlike the Brothers' script

There is something about Mary that makes losers want to stalk her.
Cranky thinks it is the really tight red dress with no underwear on.
He admits he laughed a lot when they abused the dog
And a famous quarterback proved that he couldn't act
I say

Toilet jokes once. Toilet jokes twice
Cranky laughed a couple of times
then went home for the night

(just like a) road runner
That's right.

. . . That's more effort than I wanted to expend. I knew the jokes in There's Something About Mary would be about retards and cripples and masturbation and pain, not necessarily in that order. As I've written before, there's a five year old inside all of us that loves jokes about everything below the waist. And, let's face it, dog abuse is funny.

At least in this case.

And Cranky could watch Cameron Diaz all day. All night, too.

It's not stalking, it's an appreciation of beauty.

Really, it is.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to There's Something About Mary, he would have paid . . .

$3.00

Jokes like this are what make people get buzzed and rent videos. I promised back in the Dr. Doolittle review that if I ever saw toilet humor like that come out of the mouths of humans, I'd flush the sucker down the toilet so fast it'd beat the swirling blue water down the drain. I take it back.

But the dog deserved everything he got. So get buzzed and rent. Right. Bye bye.